My Essential Parenting Wisdom: “Instead”

(following was presented at the global conference Parenting 2.0 Talks, on August 17, 2012)

In 1991, my son Chris was almost 8; Kate (then insisting she was KaTIE) was 5. Armed with my Master of Social Work degree, I was helping to administer a community mental health agency.

Social Service professionals often don’t like to consider ‘the filthy lucre’ so I did the fund raising.  In March, I was deep into the planning of our annual fund raising event.  It always included an auction, so I’d pick up the children early and we’d collect the donations given to the agency.

One lovely day, as I arrived at the day care center to get the children, I was greeted by KaTIE who handed me a colorful, abstract drawing on card stock.  “Here Mama,” she said “It’s for the auction!”    Well, the art may not have been Picasso, but it certainly touched me.

And then a shoe dropped as I thought,  “How can we sell this at the auction?”  Katie needs to know this is valued!

I blithely went to a local framer and asked for something inexpensive, yet classy, as a donation.  She laughed and was happy to comply.  I picked it up a week later.  It was charming!  And on the back, my darling wrote “Hope you like it!”  and signed it in CURSIVE “Katie 4.4.91”

How many of you in the audience have more than one child – raise your hand if you do.  (Melissa raises her hand to model)  Uhuh.  How many of you would NOT have a dilemma on your hand if one child spontaneously gave something and the other hadn’t even considered it?

Yes, Chris was disappointed that he hadn’t thought of it first,  “I want to give something too, but I’m not a good artist!”

“Well, Sweet Heart, let’s think about what you ARE good at doing, INSTEAD?”

I don’t recall whether or not it was his first idea… often it’s about the 2nd or 3rd or 27th idea!  Here’s what he decided: his best skill/talent at the time was reading.  He would read a book into a recorder and then the book and recording would be the auction lot.

I approached the local independent bookstore and asked if they’d be willing to donate a children’s book.  Asbolutely, up to $10 value.

Chris got to choose the book and selected Caps for Sale, written By Esphyr Slobodkina (the name is pronounced ess-FEER sloh-BOD-kee-nah).   We had some technical challenges, like how to let the reader/auditor who was following along know when the page was turned (I think we found a bell), and the book & recording were finally packaged the ready for the night of the event.

I could tell you more of the story but let’s stop there.   My essential wisdom, my gift to you today is “INSTEAD”.   This panel is about communication yet I believe “INSTEAD” is a revolutionary concept to have in your trick bag that leads children to have amazing ability.  There are truly very few limits to the human spirit; and thoughtful, deliberate parents can lead their children to stretch those limits.

Raising children with excellent life skills, to me, is all about plan B…  sometimes all the way to plan X.  Thomas Alva Edison, who the Americans credit as the discoverer of the way to harness electricity said “I haven’t failed; I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”  My next sentence is almost always “OK, then, what can we do instead?

When I was invited to address this group, I knew I wanted to talk about “Instead” because, to me, it’s the basis for teaching ALL Life Skills.  And I couldn’t come up with a thing that I hadn’t already posted in a P20 Discussion.  So, “instead,” I dropped an email to my children, now 29 and 26.  Who would know better than they what the philosophy is all about and how it guides children?  I reached Kate by phone.  She said she’d been thinking about this ever since I dropped her the note.  She had two stories.  I chose this one.

She said it illustrates for her what can come of guiding our children while allowing them to be who they are.  It brings out the best in them.

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5 Responses to My Essential Parenting Wisdom: “Instead”

  1. Melissa,

    As a software engineer, I\’m all about plan B through Z (why stop at X? Effective contingency planning is indeed a core life skill. Let\’s hear it for \”INSTEAD\”! Loved your talk at the P20 conference, and it was a delight to meet you in person.

    Warm regards,

    • Bill,
      Of course you’re about plan B – ZZZ! I live for yhe day when all parents teach problem solving, consideration of alternatives, contingency planning, and critical thought. Love and kindness are imperative, too!

      You and the members of the finance panel were inspiring to me and I expect I’ll be calling on you to help clients. I especially loved that you stayed through the entire conference. It shows your commitment to P20.

      Live inspired,

  2. Keyuri Joshi says:

    Plain and simple, this is a brilliant idea. It will not just help parents when their kids put them on the spot, it will help kids unveil their own superpowers.

  3. Pingback: So What? | She Talks with God

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