Was it My Eyes that Were Examined?

  

       

“We will always learn what we have chosen to teach.  ‘Ideas leave not their source’ which is why we are always a part of God, and why our ideas are always a part of us.”  ~ Marianne Williamson

Yesterday, I drove from gentle Geneva to chagrinning Chicago.  I’ve probably been to ten optometrists during my 51 years of wearing prescriptive lenses.  I drive the 45 miles to see Michael Ciszek, OD, the best optometrist I’ve met and one of my very best friends.  Seriously, he’s been honored with awards and is very talented!

I had last trekked to Clark Street and Foster Ave. in 2010; lately I’ve been hurting my neck trying to get my eyes to the proper level to read the computer screen.  It was time!

Since marrying Steve-o (if I’ve not introduced him, he’s the spouse in my house, and I love him dearly), I’ve headed in to see Michael as half of our pair; two of us in the car, talking or not as couples do.  This year, Steve was busy and didn’t want/need to have his eyes checked.

Yesterday, I went alone.

As is my way when I’m alone, the car is my monastery.  During the drive, I visually focus on the road and psychologically focus on all things spiritual.  I talk a little bit (inside my head) and listen for inspiration.  I was having a wonderful mystical time, praying for those God brought to my mind and thanking God for remembrances triggered by the sights.

Then I exited the Kennedy at Lawrence Ave. and at the top of the ramp as I stopped, I glided past a woman with a folded up piece of cardboard under her arm.

PSYCHIC JOLT:  I remember this!  When I lived in the city, my budget included five dollars ($5) per week for those working harder than I do by darting in traffic, holding a pithy explanation and a pitiful plea. Some weeks the first beggar got all five singles (kept in glove compartment in an envelope); sometimes less was given.  This was one of my ways of fueling the economy; some merchant must have made a sale due to my tiny ‘largesse’, and I chose not to be the judge of which, the liquor store or grocery store of the closes fast-food establishment.  (Once I even happened to come into one who was in MacDonald’s and one of my regulars.  He told me he had made enough money the previous day to sleep in a sleazy motel the night before.  He had luxuriated in the shower the morning I saw him!)

If I carry more cash, I spend more.  Therefore, I usually only am ‘loaded’ if I know I will need.

So “short story long”, I serenely stopped at the light, pushed the power window-down button and said in my least threatening voice “Hey, whatcha doin’?”

“Trying to survive!  I’m waiting for my disability to come through for two years,” she replied.

(Nota bene:  I am liberal, you need not agree with me, gentle reader.  Besides, I seldom have the opportunity these days.)

I told her I used to carry cash all the time for these occasions when I lived in the city, and haven’t needed to do so for several years. reached in my purse, cleverly concealed between the captain seats in my ‘mommy-van’, and found I had three singles…  nothing more.  I handed these to her and told her I’m hopeful that all will be well for her.  She thanked me and I continued on my way.

At ‘Visionary Eyecare’, Michael’s business, my eyes and vision were carefully examined, a new prescription was provided and I made plans to collect my new correction in a few weeks.

I headed home, encountered a man in worse shape than the previous woman on the streets and fished .53 from the well between the cup holders.  He admired my 13-year old Buddy (I’ll tell you about Buddy another time, if you remind me.).

———

As I sit here this morning, in my warm home with my fabulous new-to-me iMac (thank you Christopher, you’re the best son a mother could want), and a reheated cup of coffee, God brought these two street people back to my mind.

Comment yourselves silly, if you disagree with my action.  I know I live in a conservative area now.  I’m blessed with clean streets and little need to see those who for whatever reason are less fortunate than I.

Jesus (whose way I try to follow) chided his disciples for not listening to him once, we’re told, by saying “The poor will always be with you.”  Sorry “Jeez” (as I called him at age four walking into church); that’s not very hopeful.  So I not have made a difference for the universe yesterday; but as for the woman (and the man) I encountered…  made a difference for that one.

I believe my vision was corrected yesterday, perhaps even more than my eyesight.

Live inspired!

Helping your child develop self-discipline

Many experts debate whether or not to discipline or punish children.  I wish more parents were equally concerned with raising a child who has integrated self-discipline.

Here’s the thing, I’m overweight (we won’t go into numbers, now, will we?) and somehow I cannot discipline myself about what food (or how much of it) I put in my mouth.  I’m not still blaming my parents, I’ve managed to become disciplined in other areas.  I think if I’d learned to discipline myself by the time I was nine or ten years old, I’d not need to continually struggle over weight.

As another example, I’m punctual, but only because it’s really important to my husband and I feel it respectful to be on-time for clients and friends.

So, enough self-disclosure, let’s think about how to help a child develop internal discipline.

Consistency and normalcy are key

There are many children who believe what happens in their nuclear family happens everywhere…  because they’ve only ever lived in that familial culture.

“Five rules followed 100% of the time beats ten rules followed 50% of the time.”

Consider whether or not it matters

If lights out at 8:00 p.m. is critical for your child’s mood the following day, so be it.  If you have a child with a low sleep need, this may not be one of your rules…

Expect a normal child (i.e., don’t expect more than your child can deliver)

A child’s social development to follow ‘rules’ starts at approximately the age of three-years old.  If your child is developing quickly, your child may internalize or learn rules earlier.  Chances are the rules you care most about are the last to be learned.

Assume good intentions 

At least for the first time, chances are your child DOESN’T know better.  Eventually the child will know better, but by then s/he could be away at college.  (See above)

Emotions often muddy the issue:  stay calm

You wanted your child to do x, your child did y or the opposite of x.  You’re disappointed; You’re angry;You’ve gone over this 27,000,000,000 times before and that kid STILL doesn’t do as you’ve asked.

If you act out your emotions, all the child learns is how to be emotional.

Use a time out — together

Ask the child to take time WITH you and focus on this.  And take the time needed to calm your child, sit together to talk, get the child oriented to this subject.

Even though they remember what you forgot to put on the grocery list, it’s hard for them (yes really) before the age of seven- or eight-years old to practice self-control and internalize all the rules.

Avoid punishment unless it’s necessary

When you explain and guide – even if that means YOU do the bulk of whatever it is that’s needed, the importance of the task is stressed.  The more routine it becomes, the easier it will be for your child.  Ultimately this becomes internalized and your child will practice self-discipline.

If you don’t want your child to hurt others physically, eliminate physical punishment.

If you believe punishment must be used, the ‘sentence’ should suit the ‘crime’.  If your emotions might be getting the best of you, check yourself.

Now, do you think I never lay hands on my children?  Ask me about the time my 2 year old son darted between cars into the street.  He was so excited to be going!  He wiggled away from me and headed for our car — across the street.  Thank goodness, he was not hit by a car.  However, when it became clear that reasoning wasn’t going to make any impact, I calmly told him I would demonstrate what a car could do to him.  He got a very hard smack to his posterior.  Oh, did that get through to him!

Feel free to talk to the experts about punishing a child or disciplining your offspring and whether or not these are useful.  I’ll be over here, trying to teach children how to grow up to become self-disciplined adults.

Live inspired!

The Charles Schulz Philosophy

(Disclaimer:  I took this from an email I received; I did NOT write it.  However, I like it so much that I want to share it with you and this is the only way I know to do it.)

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder them.
Just read the straight through, and you’ll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

None of us remember the headliners of yesterday.   Now, these are not second-rate achievers.  They are the best in their fields.  But the applause dies; awards tarnish; achievements are forgotten; accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people with whom you enjoy spending time.

Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

They simply are the ones who care the most.  Pass this on to those people who have either made a difference in your life,
or whom you keep close in your heart.

”Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!” ~ Oscar Wilde

Children, families and holidays — a musing

Yesterday, I baked traditional Christmas cookies.  My sister invites everyone in my family.  I was joined by my sister, her daughter, my daughter and her beloved, two of my brothers, one sister-in-law and nieces/nephews.

Baking these cookies is something I love doing.  We make several recipes from the Scandinavian Cookbook, published in 1955.  I have my mother’s original copy.  My sister found one as an adult that is in much better shape than mine.

Mandelspritsar (almond spritz cookies), pepparkakor (ginger cookies), and pecan crescents dusted with powdered sugar come from this cookbook.  We also make “Mrs. Price’s Cutout Cookies”.  These have cream of tartar that makes them taste what I’ve always called ‘ashy’; if a cutout cookie tastes ‘ashy’, it reminds me of my childhood!

My niece and sister-in-law laughed about how the cookies need to be placed neatly and evenly spaced on the baking sheets.  They call it “the Pazen way” — we always want to make things just a little bit better.  We were raised in the “continuous improvement model.”

*  *  *

On Saturday, my friend Nae-Nae planned a ‘footie pajama parade’.  This started when she & her kids went to see The Muppets Movie in footie-pajamas.  Then it grew to a parade wearing jams and bringing jams for a child.   There IS a Santa Claus for the children who’ll get the footie-pajamas.

Last night, Sixty Minutes commented on a a story they had broadcast two weeks ago on homeless children in Central Florida.  These children lived in cars and campers.  They cleaned up in gas station bathrooms before school.  Their parents were out of work and the shelters were at capacity.

The follow up is that viewers had donated more than $1,000,000 toward solving this problem.  People offered work for the parents, all of whom now have jobs.  Housing for them has been secured, using the donated money.  Colleges have given scholarships to the children. There IS a Santa Claus for these children.

*  *  *

This morning, my friend Mary told me she, her daughter & niece had taken the children ‘essentially abandoned’ by her nephew to the Lincoln Park Zoo Lights.  They’d gone out to dinner and she’d bought the three children winter coats and boots.  She managed to extract Christmas wish lists from the children and will fulfill the requests.  There IS a Santa Claus, where Mary’s concerned!  There IS a Santa Claus for her three great-nephews.

The pathos of these children touches my heart.  Their mother isn’t stable, but has total custody of these three children, by default.  She does well enough with them that she will continue.

*  *  *

I remember the words of The Rock Will Wear Away, written by Holly Near:

Can we be like drops of water falling on the stone
Splashing, breaking, dispersing in air
Weaker than the stone by far but be aware
That as time goes by the rock will wear away
And the water comes again

This holiday season, I pray for joy for all children.  I pray that every will know that s/he is loved beyond the wildest imagining — no hunger, no exposure to extreme cold without proper clothing, a secure and acceptable place to live.

Let us be the drops of water, as are the people who paraded, those who buy coats, boots & Christmas presents for family in need, those who responded to Sixty Minutes.   And let us do it throughout the year.  It should be much more than just “the Pazen way”; it should be “everybody’s way”.

Habits/values adolescents need to have in order to manage money

It’s my philosophy is that it’s easier to help toddlers develop habit than adolescents. That’s why I center my practice on soon-to-be and young families. AND I am delighted that human abilities include the capability to change. With that, I’m happy to list these values/attributes I believe adolescents need in order to manage their finances.

1. Respect for resources and belongings: Take care of what you have and you won’t need to replace it as quickly. Reduce, re-use, recycle.

2. Respect for self & others: Benjamin Franklin said “Neither a borrower nor a lender be.” Before it’s time to go out on one’s own, developing good habits show you respect yourself and your abilities.

3. Respect for self & others: No whining! If you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money.

4. Discipline: review income (allowance, earnings, gifts) and determine percentage of each to save. (I work more with parents and suggest they model good money management and be honest with your child about decisions to save/spend and choices among purchases.

5. Discipline: avoid frivolous expenditures if there are bills to pay or more important expenditures to come in soon.

6. Responsibility: While family and friends can help you budget, you’re in charge of your money — now AND later! Learn this now and your credit rate will be better.

7. Flexibility: So you planned and saved to buy something. Then an unforeseen expense comes along. Growing up means dealing with the things that “happen while you were making other plans.”

8. Attitude of Gratitude and Abundance: Especially in the US, we’re beyond fortunate. So many of us have more than we need. Recognize that what you have is good and make a point of keeping a gratitude journal or stating thanks to keep yourself and your desires in perspective.

9. Charity: Even if you have only a dollar, a few pennies can be given to others. Again, we’re very fortunate. You probably know others who aren’t.

10. Deal with Reality and make Realistic Goals: While you may not have everything you want today. A realistic appraisal of your skills and abilities will allow you to plan your life, (and your money). You most likely can be anything you want to be. It will take work, but nobody ever said life was meant to be easy!

“Integrity is the sound follow through of your heart, and an important part in the process of manifesting what it is that you aspire to…  Don’t lie to yourself and to others, follow through. Complete yourself. Expand your consciousness.”
― Will Barnes

“So,” you think, “I wonder what Melissa did to resolve the conflict?”  (As you’ll note in my previous post, I had a nasty interchange with another volunteer when I had arrived to do my monthly task, and I haven’t gone off like that in YEARS.)

I did write an email of apology for my behavior and explained what had set me off.  And a week later, I was still feeling horrible when I saw the other volunteer (fortunately, across a crowded room).  I took the coward’s way out at that point and slinked (slunk?) away.  I then went to the person who often finds the volunteers for this organization and asked if I could set time to speak with her.

During our meeting, I kept saying “I totally can understand someone else being tense.  What I’m agonizing over is how to resolve this.”

Wisdom struck, and my ‘advisor’ suggested I simply smile the next time.  She suggested, essentially, I get over it.  (And I’m the queen of saying “I’m over it.” when someone else makes a mistake; I really do try to rebound quickly.)

Wonderfully, by the time I got home from the conversation, the mail had been delivered.  A card with an apology from the other volunteer was included, with an explanation of what led to the tension.

I wrote back to the volunteer; with gratitude.  I’m glad it’s over!

How do YOU handle mistakes, tiffs, and situations like this?  Feel free to post a reply!

Conscious Awareness? A True Confession

“You cannot change what people say, think, or do.  But you can change the way you react to it.”

~ Corina Kinsmore; Entrepreneur, Marketing Professional, Personal Development and Success Education Mentor, Lifestyle Coach; Victoria, Australia

I preach planning and measuring your words before saying them. I suggest people attempt to be mindful, purposeful, consciously aware. I suggest people practice situations that have led to undesirable behavior in case it happens again.

Oh, if only I’d practiced what I preach for yesterday.

Will you read through this and let me know what you would suggest?

I walked into a room to do a volunteer task I perform monthly.  The woman with whom I normally work is a joy; smart, funny, organized, patient and flexible!  She was out of town and I’d been asked to sit in with someone who used to do her job.

From the moment I entered, everything felt wrong.  The person who used to do her job seemed agitated and possibly, disapproving of me.  Now, I can’t tell you it was all the fault of the other.  I merely know it seemed I was acting off of a VERY old script that culminating in the other screaming at me.

I came home in a total emotional shamble.  Worse, I don’t know this person well enough to know what to do.  I talked to my dear husband, Steve.  I cried.  I said I should apologize for my behavior (not believing I was the total cause, but believing that adults who feel disquieted by their actions feel better after expressing it).  Steve said “forget about it”.

I did write an email of apology for my behavior and explained what had set me off.

And this morning, reading Corina’s statement, I find myself thinking I need to be more mindful of situations that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Trying to look forward (instead of dwelling on the guilt), I’m planning what to do if I ever find myself in such a situation again.  In Social Work school, I was taught that classical problem solving calls for flushing out all solutions.

• be honest and state my discomfort
• sit quietly and do my task, praying/repeating mantra until the task is complete
• excuse myself earlier or find a way to break the tension earlier -send the link to this blog to the person
• consider anxiety medication or treatment, go back into therapy
• move to another country

I know I’m only human –  weak and flawed – not one to attempt perfection, but only to strive to be a bit better.

The first three ‘solutions’ seem as if they’d sit best with me, but what do you think?  I’d love your thoughts!  Please comment on this one!